So, I am choosing to take a risk. if you read this, you probably matter enough to my life that you should know anyway. I've been fairly recently diagnosed with depression. From what I can tell from counseling time, I have probably had it for a few years before this diagnosis. and there are definite "depressive episodes" I remember clearly. Kelli was amazing in getting me through one of them. Thanks, Kel.

Now I'm struggling to figure out what behaviors and habits I developed as a coping mechanism vs. behaviors and habits I have as part of my personality. and it's hard to deal with the diagnosis itself. you're part relieved that there's a reason for what's been happening but it's a terrible feeling, if you let it be, to take medicine to feel like so-called normal people. but i feel better. It's great to have those good days, and good to have those better-than-before days. one thing i've learned: depression is hard work. I have to work out as part of my life management plan. I need 7-8 hours of sleep for real. vitamins. water. no alcohol. less sugar/caffeine. Ok, i'm not good at that one - I still drink Mountain Dew like it's water! :) i see a counselor who consistently challenges me to fight unhealthy behaviors. As an aside, I suggest everyone see a counselor at least one time - it is so helpful for seeing things in a different way. I highly recommend a Christian counselor.

Fortunately, the people I've told have been very supportive. Nick (fiance) is amazing. He challenges me and supports me at the same time. He held my hand when I had to take my first pill. So, there it is. This is me, living and eventually thriving, despite an unplanned hiccup in my life plan. One good thing is that it's like the thorn in my side that keeps me reliant on God. I can't say I'm anywhere near perfect at relying on him, but He makes it so much easier.

Currently Gaming Civilization 2 By Hasbro Interactive see related

Keeping busy, as usual. I have been enjoying myself more now that I'm busy, actually. I have a huge, multi-subject to-do list that I put together today that I'm anxious to tackle. I love marking things off of those lists!

I get to go home again this weekend. It is my birthday tomorrow, so Nick and I will celebrate that this weekend, and we will actually have time alone with one another! My family will be gone to Iowa for a graduation party, so I'm looking forward to giving Nick my relatively undivided attention. I'm a little ADD so I s'pose he rarely has my full attention... lol

We are already in the seventh of ten weeks here at North Central, so the year is quickly drawing to a close. I think I'll be able to hang out with a few Trinity people before they leave. It sounds like Corinne and Katrina will be coming next week before they take off for the summer. I'm excited! I don't get to see them often enough.

That reminds me that I don't see anyone enough, so if you are one of those persons who feels unseen, please let me know. I would love to see you!

Currently Reading The One Thing You Need to Know : ... About Great Managing, Great Leading, and Sustained Individual Success By Marcus Buckingham see related

I am on duty again tonight. It seems like that's the only time I write on here! :)

I'm excited - I started the master's program. I am taking a biomedical ethics course. It is going to be fun. And challenging. I'm looking forward to it. We had our first class tonight (from 6:30pm-10pm!) and just covered basic ethical theories; from here on out we'll be talking about medical-related topics and applying those theories. I'm excited!

Nick and I need to get a move on with the wedding plans. We're almost down to eight months (again, I'm excited!) so the photographer and florist really are more important now. And the invitations. And the cake and what kind we're having and if it will be decorated and if so how and... blah blah blah. Every single thing gets broken down farther and farther. But, I love the big picture and the details, so it works out.

We are interviewing hall director candidates. We're hiring two new ones, by the way. I'm hoping we get two good candidates who are as excited to work with us as we are with them. And I really hope I don't have to move. I just got used to East Side. I'm finally making it my own area and I don't want to have to 'start over'.

I'm going home this weekend to hang out with my family and with Nick. We will be celebrating my Dad's birthday with our traditional family Birthday Supper. The Birthday Person gets to pick the restaurant and we all go out. This tradition dates back to when the Bakker children were happy with and excited about going to McDonalds. Needless to say, this tradition has since become much more expensive, but well worth it. :)

Well, if you get a moment, say hi to me. I sometimes forget there's an outside world out there, so reminders are awesome! Plus, it makes me feel special, and we all need that once in awhile. :)

I'm on duty tonight. It's the first day of exams, so it's been pretty quiet. We have what's called Grand Silence, which is 24-hour quiet hours during exam week. It's pretty cool.

I've been working on wedding stuff with Nick. It's decided that I'm staying here for the summer, so we'll have to do the commuting engagement thing the whole time. It kind of stinks that I won't get to spend real time with him before we get married, but we do talk often, so we just have to do what we can with what we have. We have the guest list mostly done; we are filling in the non-relatives now. We had to wait to know how many people we had to invite before we could really start adding whoever we wanted. Them's the breaks, I guess.

Nick's mom made me/us an afghan. She crocheted the whole thing. Wow! I can't imagine doing anything like that long enough to make a whole blanket. She's been doing really well.

This summer I'm hoping to go to Montana with the youth group from home. I think it would be a great experience. I loved the New York trip. I think this trip would be cool. I also think it will be good to have at least one returning counselor - I don't know if other folks will be able to go this summer that went last summer. Nick might come too. I think it would be good for us.

I've been doing pretty well. Things are going better now for me and I've been exercising fairly regularly. I am hoping to create a lifelong routine with that. Actually, my friend Megan gave me a coupon for her gym for $20 down and only $10 a month, so I may do that. Then I'd be getting off campus consistently for about an hour a day... I think it would be helpful.

Pictures for you

This is James & Abby, Becky & Nate, Brett & Diane, and myself & Nick at Becky and Nick's wedding. Aww!

 These are some tough-looking Hall Directors. Kyle, Lisa, Bobby, and Megan.

 RAs Megan, Adam, and Lindsay with me at Club Kimmel.

 Our beginning of the year picture with all the hall directors: Kyle, Terri, Megan, Bobby, and me.

 This awesome photo is (clockwise from me) Kelly, Nicole, Bobby, Lindsy, and Lindsay.